Suddenly they were attacked by ninjas...

Monday, November 01, 2004

Chapter 2

I did some more writing this afternoon and some at the write in. Still hating my description. I feel like my writing muscles are warming up some but hopefully this crap will be a little better around 10,000 words. I didn't edit this at all. I think a ran it through a spellchecker.

Dares Used Today: (11 dares 1 bonus points)

* Include a phrase in a different foreign language each chapter. (On going dare that I forgot to list)
* Involve the phrase “Yeah, well you may have more blue pens then me, but I hold the monopoly on grandmothers!” Bonus points is it's in context. (I think that was in context somewhat, though I have no idea what a monopoly on grandmothers is) (BONUS POINTS 1)
* Have a character place his trashcan on his desk and label it "IN"
* Have one of your characters make reference to someone they knew losing their head (literally) in their line of work.
* Have a character say. "I don't know about you, but I could go for some cheap booze and a couple of dirty hookers right about now."
* Have a character wearing a shirt with something completely random on it that actually hints to a future scene.
* Make a character who has a phobia of making and receiving telephone calls, who works as a receptionist. Have them insist that firing them would be discrimination based on a psychological disability.
* Include a character name Ivy Vines.
* Have a character obsessed with highlighters to the point of mania
* Include a character fascinated by staplers.
* Have a character obsessed with paper clips, who takes every opportunity to use a paper clip in way other than holding paper together.

Chapter 2: Never run away! Your enemy is faster!

Corey squinted his eyes against the glaring sun. The traffic jam up ahead was making him late for work. True traffic wasn't as bad as it had been in New York but still California had more than its fair share of traffic. He watched a small flock of pigeons flying over the cars in front of him. As the birds passed over his car, one dropped a poop bomb. It landed in the middle of his windshield splattering and making a five-inch wide white Rorschach pattern.

"Great," He muttered. "Now I'm going to have to look at that the whole way to work." Corey turned on the radio and let the news of the day wash over him as he struggled through the traffic. After a twenty-minute ordeal of trying to find a parking space, he was over an hour late for work. He figured he may as well make it an hour and fifteen and stopped to grab a sandwich at the deli next to his work.

Corey noticed that the receptionist today was Ivy Vines, a blond that he had been ogling over for a few months. He made his way from the elevator to her desk in the center of the waiting area. He watched as she sorted through the answering machine messages.

"Good morning Ivy!" Corey said as he stopped at the receptionist's desk.

"You're late Corey." Ivy replied.

"Yea the traffic got me. Is Mr. Hughes in yet?" Corey asked.

"No. You are lucky. Oh I almost forgot these flowers were dropped off for you." Ivy said turning around to grab the monster size arrangement of flowers.

"Ummm. I will come back and grab those. My hands are somewhat full at the moment. Do you have any phone messages for me?" Corey asked.

"I'm not sure I haven't caught up with the answering machine messages yet. Let me check." She flipped through the stack of messages. Corey looked at her shirt puzzled. It said: 1. Ninjas are mammals. 2. Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. "Looks like you don't." The phone rang causing Ivy to jump back from the desk.

"Are you going to get that?" Corey asked.

"No! You know how I feel about phones. I will let the machine get it and take the message from there." Ivy said inching back towards the desk now that phone stopped ringing.

"Nice shirt. You sure that is appropriate for work?" Corey asked making sure he took a long time to read her shirt again.

"Oh it's my boyfriend's shirt. I stayed at his place last night and I didn't want to wear what I wore yesterday." Ivy said. Corey frowned and started to walk away. "Hey Corey? Will you do me a favor?" Ivy asked.

"Sure. What do you need?" Corey asked.

"Will you go get me some more of these message pads from that guy in the office supplies closet? He is such a Neanderthal. He always pretends to read my shirt so he can stare at my boobs." Ivy said and sneezed.

"Did they move that guy into the supplies closet now?" Corey asked.

"Yea, he says he is more productive if he can be surrounded by paper clips and highlighters. He is such a freak. Thanks Corey." Ivy smiled at him and pulled her lunch plate out from under the shelf of her desk. She was eating poached egg on toast.

Corey walked down the hall looking into the offices as he passed. Almost everyone was dicking off. One guy was even watching a CSI dvd. Corey heard a commotion as he rounded the corner to the supplies closet.

"Yeah, well you may have more blue pens then me, but I hold the monopoly on grandmothers!" One of Corey's coworkers screamed as he backed out of the closet. "Good luck getting something from that office Nazi." He said to Corey as he brushed past. Corey stepped into the supplies closet. John with his Indian Jones hat had his back to him rummaging -through a drawer. On the right side of his desk was a trashcan labeled IN with a post-it. John had his highlighter collection displayed on his desk and in the center of the desk was a steaming bowl of ramen with a lime green fan positioned on it. Behind John on the wall was a plaque that read. Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes.

"Ahem." Corey said trying not to startle John.

"Oh, hi Corey." John said turning towards him. "What can I do for you?" He asked locking eyes with Corey.

"I um, came to get more message tablets for Ivy in reception." Corey replied suddenly feeling nervous.

“Misses phone phobia couldn't walk her sweet ass down here? Do you have any idea how many message pads that women has gone through this week alone?” John asked accusingly. Corey backed up a step.

“No I don't know.” He stammered.

“FORTY-TWO! Why she hasn't been fired is beyond me. The woman is a receptionist and she fears the phone.” John said.

“She said something to me about it being discrimination against her handicap if they fired her.” Corey took another step back. John noticed Corey shirking away.

“Aw I'm sorry man I shouldn't shoot the messenger should I? I'll give her a pack of 13 pads but you have to tell her that I'm not giving her anymore. Your just in time I just put the finishing touches on my paper clip museum.” John gestured for Corey come into the left corner of the room.

There was a large shoe box turned on its side with a red velvet cloth covering it. John pulled it back slowly and then with a final dramatic tug revealed a diorama full of paper clip models and artworks.

“On the walls I recreated all the famous artworks, Mona Lisa, Starry Night ea cetera. In the middle of the room I have done a few famous sculptures. But my crowning piece is the one I just finished today the curator. He took me eighteen hours to complete. Wearing a double tailed coat and a bowler hat. I call him Franklin.” John straightened up to allow Corey to lean in closer and take it all in.

“That's uh, very interesting John. I can see you put a lot of time into it. What are you going to do with it now?” Corey asked.

“Well I'm talking with some galleries, there is some interest. I'll give you an invitation when I get opening some place. I also talked to Staples about doing a large sculpture piece for their headquarters office. Of course it would have to be in staples which really isn't my medium but I do have a fascination with staplers. Something about that ca chunk sound is so soothing. Anyways I don't want to keep you let me get you those message pads.” John handed him a package of pads and sat back at his desk.

“Thanks and I will be sure to pass along your message to Ivy.” Corey said watching John open a can of clams and dump them into his now cold bowl of ramen. John noticed him staring.

“I'm on the cold clam and ramen diet. Supposed to work like a charm and the guy that invented it hasn't died yet so it has to be better than that Atkins crap. I will have to admit it tastes like crap. It's not so bad if you eat it with the seafood or shrimp flavored ramens but all I had today was chicken so I'm not looking forward to my lunch.” John said.

“Yea, uh good luck with that.” Corey said with a nod and stepped out of the supplies closet. Corey walked back up the hallway to the reception area. Ivy was sitting three feet from the desk looking at the phones in horror. She looked up and saw Corey.

“They just won't stop ringing and I can't get near them to shut the ringers off.” Iv said.

“Here I can help you with that. Oh and John in supplies said this is the last of the message pads he can give you for the week.” Corey said placing the stack of thirteen pads on the desk. He reached over the top shelf of the desk and switched the ringers off on the two phones.

“That guy is so stingy with the office supplies yet I heard he builds art out of them. I'm sure Mr. Hughes would love to know that. If he doesn't give me any more pads this week I am going straight to Mr. Hughes and reporting this discrimination against my disability. I need those pads.” Ivy said.

“Is Mr. Hughes in yet? I still haven't been to my office. I don't want him to think I am this late.” Corey asked moving around behind the desk to grab his flowers.

“Corey I got a couple messages for you too.” Ivy grabbed the two message slips and handed them to Corey.

“Ivy, what is this?” Corey said pointing to the bunny in a small cage next to his flowers.
“The tag says this is Thumper for Belinda in accounting. I think it is from her husband.” Ivy said reading from the tag. She shrugged.

“Since when are flowers not enough? I don't even want to guess at what he did wrong to feel that sending a bunny to his wife was the only way to apologize. Isn't that a health hazard to have in the office building?” Corey asked picking up his flowers and leaning to the side to be able to talk to Ivy around them.

“I don't think so. Peter has a parrot in his office and that thing shits everywhere. Management had to have him clip the wings because it kept flying over the cubicle areas and shitting on people.” Ivy said seating herself at the desk. “Oh and thanks for turning the ringers off. I feel much better if they don't ring at me.

Corey set the flowers on his desk, pulling the card off the clip so he could see who it was from. He sat down and opened the card. You know who I am and I'll be coming soon, it read. Corey read it twice more, realizing that no he didn't know who it was from and that he was scared that they were coming. He sighed and flipped the card into the round file.

He pulled the messages from his pocket. One was from his sister marked urgent and the other was from his agent. He opted to talk to his agent, picking up the phone.
“Hi, this is Corey Feldman I have a message from Mr. Gates.” He said into the phone to the receptionist.

“Yes, Mr. Feldman hold please.” Corey tapped his pen on the desk as he waited.

“Hi Corey! Great news her I think I got you a spokesman job!” Jim Gates said enthusiastically.

“That's great. Get my face out there. Who is it for?” Corey asked.

“Well it's for the Girl Scouts but for a special division or something and they really don't want you to do in person stuff. The really just wanted your name for printed material.” Jim said.

“Ah, I see they just want the discount Corey Feldman.” Corey said.

“Don't get down. This is a great job. Get your foot in the door. Believe me this is a lot better than doing the stunt man job someone called you for today. They wanted someone that looked like Corey Feldman not someone that carried the same name. You stay away from stunt man jobs. I know a man lost his head in that line of work, literally. Listen Corey, the guy wants to meet with you. I think it's a good idea. Just see what the arrangements are. At least it will put some cash in your pocket right?” Jim said.

“Yea I guess but what do the Girl Scouts want with a guy?” Corey asked.

“No idea Corey. Just check it out. He wants to meet you tomorrow for lunch at that 50's Dinner on Main Street. Let me know what you think and we can draw up an official contract. It's been a long morning I'll have to talk to you later.” Jim said.

“I'll meet with him but no promises.” Corey replied.

“Man I have a headache already and it's not even noontime. I don't know about you, but I could go for some cheap booze and a couple of dirty hookers right about now.” Jim chuckled. “I'll talk to you later Corey.

“Okay. Bye.” Corey hung up the phone. He took one look at the flowers on his desk and just laid his head down content to nap the rest of the day away.

Author's Note & Chapter 1

I got about 1000 words last night and finished up my short chapter this morning putting me at about 1608 right now (11/1 1:30om) I also have my write-in tonight, though this is also our kickoff party too so I don't expect tooo much writing. I'm going to post this and then I want to start on chapter two. My chapters are tiny so that they arn't much to tackle everyday.

I'm okay with some of the dialogue but the action stuff really sucks and I didn't have the right vocab to talk about the movie set area. When I'm editing I would like to be a little more specific about what is going on around Corey.

Ongoing Dares I accepted: (3 dares)

* If you have been putting a placeholder in for your title in your signature, make it your title. (I had the line suddenly they were attacked by ninjas as my title in my profile... so I guess I'm using that now)
* Use the name of paint samples from the hardware store to talk about your MC's hair color. (I'm going to be describing Chlmydia's hair color with this since it changes every chapter)
* Include at leasr five advertising slogans somewhere in your novel. ("We try harder." -Avis, "Go to work on an egg." Egg Marketing Board, "Happinss is a cigar called Hamlet." -Hamlet, "Heineken refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach." -Heineken, "Just do it." -Nike)

Dares Completed Today (11/1) (7.2 dares 1 bonus points

* Begin your novel with a warning against reading it
* Include the line, "I'm _____, and I approved this chapter/paragraph/novel"
* Start your story with the sentence, "This day was just like all the other days-- wet, cold, slimy, and covered with alligators."
*Include fortune cookies. Bonus points if the first line in the story has something to do with them. (BONUS POINTS 1)
* Make your main character Corey Feldman
* Have your opening scene take place on a crashing helicopter carrying five nuclear bombs. The helicopter, naturally, gets sucked up by a wormhole.
* Include a really bad attempt at a depressing poetry book and make your characters refrence to several lines in the story. (You will see the poetry book again)
*(1/5) Include the line, "Hollywood is out of ideas (this is 1/5 a point because there are four more lines I must include.)

TOTAL 10.2 dares and 3 bonus points

Suddenly They Were Attacked by Ninjas
A Novel By Breanna Heather LaRow



Author's Note:

I'm Breanna Heather LaRow and I approved this novel.

I want to start with a warning. Don't run, it's not life threatening. Well it could be if you took this novel an crumpled it up because it sucked and then because it sucked so bad you got andry and started to eat it and then because you were so angry about how much it sucked and how much I use the word and you choked on the novel and all its suckness and died. So don't do that. Even if you are angry at the ands. Other than that this is just a warning against reading this novel and expecting a good use of your time. I will not enlighten anyone. You will not find deep character development and meaningful themes. And most important their will be no morals to be learned.

So you may be asking yourself what will you find. You will find gaping huge plot-holes. Characters that act one way one second and another the next with no explanation. Hell you may even find a character dropping out of the sky, commenting on the weather and walking off.

And you bet your ass this novel could use more cowbell.



Chapter 1: Ostriches are coming! Run for your life!


"This day was just like all the other days—wet, cold, slimy, and covered with alligators." Jim said dramatically. Corey Feldman gave him the shut your faces eye and made an attempt to take control of the helicopter. They were under attack. The helicopter shook as they took another direct hit. Fire flared up in the back of the helicopter. Smoke poured in through the side door. The engine spit and sputtered.


"Don't panic! We can defend our position. We just have to get out of this area." Bruce Flash said. Another mortar crashed into the back of the helicopter. The helicopter's engine cut giving them silence for a moment.


"It’s no use we are going to crash! Jeanine we did everything we could we might have made it but with these five nuclear bombs on board, we won't survive the crash. I just want you to know that I have always cared about you." Bruce said. Corey watched out of the corner of his eye as Bruce grasped the damsel in his arms and pulled him to her for a kiss. The helicopter lost its footing in the sky and began to plummet to the earth. Bruce broke the kiss.


"It’s been nice serving with you guys." Bruce clapped a strong hand on the pilots' shoulders. Suddenly a huge purple wormhole opened up below the helicopter.


"Sweet creamy Jesus! What is that?" Bruce cried.


"Cut!" The director screamed. "Bruce how many times do I have to tell you? Do not use the exclamation Jesus. It doesn't go over well with the religious movie goers. Let's take a brake for lunch. I didn't like the way the helicopter was smoking. Props! I want some darker smoke!" The director walked away screaming orders to the rest of the crew.


Corey rolled his eyes, waiting for Bruce and Jeanine to exit the helicopter. He debouched from the helicopter and headed towards the lunch tent. The sun was bright and it took him a moment for his eyes to adjust to the glare. Making his way through the bustling crew team, he watched as the makeup artist fawned over Bruce. She pulled off his Indian Jones hat and combed his hat head into a macho man precision, touching up his eye makeup to make him look manlier. How ironic he thought.


"Corey! Wait up! I wanted to talk to you about the rest of my book!" Jim cried from behind. Corey stopped, slouched his shoulders, and turned to wait for his coworker to catch up. Corey watched Jim try to avoid the set crew and the cables that snaked across the ground. He side stepped to avoid the prop team and slammed head on into a very harried seamstress.


"Well don't look so happy about it." Jim said when he caught up.


"I can't exactly say your poetry is something I want to hear." Corey replied, walking towards the lunch tent again.


"That's great! Does it make you depressed?" Jim asked.


"Does having the desire to bang your head against pavement count as depressed? Cause if so I really think your hitting the nail on the head." Corey grabbed a tray.


"Funny, Corey. It's just I'm trying to get out all my inner depression. I want people to feel what I feel when they read my work. I'm starting my poetry book with that line. Found it in a fortune cookie you know?" I knew it was perfect! I wrote the rest of the poem of course." Jim babbled on as the picked up his lunch, grabbing an egg burrito and some toast.Corey walked through the whole line without grabbing anything.


"What's the matter? Not hungry?" Jim asked motioning to Corey's tray.


"Nah, I just was having a craving for a hotdog. Is that Dibbler guy still around with his cart?" Corey asked scanning the crowds beyond the tent.


"I saw him yesterday. I'll grab us a table while you go look for him. I want you to look at the rest of my book." Jim said.
Corey left the tent walking towards some of the dressing room buildings. Spotting Dibbler's Hot Dog stand to the left of the building he weaved through the busy workers to get there. Rowan Atkinson and a Greek man where waiting in line ahead of him.


"Ti ora I'ne?" The Greek man asked Dibbler.


"I have no idea what you're asking." Dibbler replied. The Greek pointed at Dibbler's watch.


"Oh. Says 5:01. I think it is wrong though. I must have bumped it." Dibbler said. The Greek man left with a snort and Corey stepped up to place his order.


"Ahhh, Corey my favorite boy. What can I get for you today." Dibbler asked him.


"Just the usual and an ice tea." Corey said.


"Sure thing." Dibbler pulled out a hotdog from the steamer and dressed it in Corey's usual favorites. "You know I have been thinking about expanding my menu. Adding some variety. How about Ramen soups? Would you eat Ramen soups?" Dibbler asked handing Corey his hotdog and drink.


"Dibbler this is California, it's almost a hundred degrees out. The last thing people are going to want is hot soup." Corey said.


"You are a wise boy. This is why I always ask you. My wife she says the same thing, but she is not so wise. She is just a bitch. See you tomorrow my boy." Dibbler smiled and started taking the next person's order. Corey found Jim at a table and sat across from him.


"I don't know why you get hotdogs from that guy. He is really creepy. He is always, always working. I've never seen anyone else manning his cart." Jim said.


"What's wrong with that? It just means he is dedicated to his business." Corey said, biting into his hotdog.


"Yea, Yea. Anyways Corey I wanted you to take this book of poetry home with you, you know read it over, tell me what you think. I wouldn't advise drinking heavily. It might get too depressing." Jim said seriously.


"Yaw shawah." Corey swallowed his mouthful of hotdog. "I'll look it over and make sure to look up the guns and sleeping pills." He said rolling his eyes.


"You don't have to be a jerk about it. Hey look at that guy." Jim motioned to the man in line in a giant clam costume. Corey turned to look.


"What set is he from?" He asked.


"The Attack of the Killer Clams. There should be like 42 of those guys walking around here. They are trying to make it a summer blockbuster."


"Hollywood is out of ideas. I wouldn't let someone pay me to see that." Corey said and sneezed.


"Then why are you in this business? You could go full time at your other job. I'm sure you could climb the corporate ladder there." Jim asked.


"I don't it's in my blood." Corey shrugged.


"Yeah well your not going to get anywhere unless you change your name. There is only room for one Corey Feldman in this business." Jim said picking up his empty tray.


"That guy is so 80's. He is done. People just need to get used to my face with the name Corey and I'll be in the door. Just one big role and I am all set." Corey said grabbing his empty ice tea bottle.
Corey and Jim deposited their trash in the can and started to head back to the set.


"All personal from the World War of Wormholes set can go home. Helicopter prop broke and we won't be shooting again until Thursday." One of the director's lackeys shouted over a bullhorn at the lunch tent.


"Great! I could use some times off." Corey said.


"Want walk out to the car with me. I want to bring you by the new set I'm going to be working on next week."


"Sure. Let's change out of our uniforms and I'll meet you back here." Corey headed to the changing rooms. He moved to the side to let a women carrying two bunnies by and almost tripped over a cart that could be pulled by a team of pot-bellied pigs. At least office work was less hazardous he thought.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Happy Halloween!!

Wheeee... I can't wait. 13 an a half hours and I can finally start writing! That sentence brings both fear and joy. Well I have to make sure I got everything in order.

Before the Madness

I wanted to keep track of all the dares I was doing as I write, but some of these dares are ongoing or already completed in just attempting to write a novel based on dares. So I will list and count some of those now before the madness begins and get my listing format down.

Dares Complete: (5 dares 3 bonus points)
* The BIG one: Write your novel based on dares
* Use one dare for every 1,000 words. Bonus if you do one for every 500. Double bonus if you do one for every 250 words (BONUS POINTS 2)
* Take a totally unrealistic dare and manage to make it realistic (I don't know which one of my dares falls into this category but I figure somewhere in my 390 dares one of those counts for this)
* Have someone give out boy scout badges every time someone does something. Bonus points if characters sew the badges somewhere and display them. (My novel is about the Interdimensional Girlscout Division. So there will be badges and they will be handed out) (BONUS POINTS 1)
* Don't use a light/dark motif for good and evil. Use a green/purple motif. (Girlscouts are green and my somewhat villain is Dr. Purple the guy that grows naturally purple hair and wears only purple.)

Chapter Titles: (3 dares 0 bonus points)
* Make the first letters of your chapter titles spell out the word onomatopoeia. Just because. (I have 30 chapters so the first 12 will start with those letters)
* Use completely random titles for every chapter.
* Give each chapter overdramatic, two-phrase, anime-style names. (The princess is not here! Try another castle!)

Ongoing: (24 dares 5 bonus points)
* Include bunnies, at least on cute fluffy bunny per chapter.
* Include an Indiana Jones hat in every chapter and everyone in the story must wear it at least once because they think it's cool. (I took this to mean the major cast of people)
* Include at least 30 different variations of cooked eggs ie: scrambled, sunny side up etc.
* Include at least one reference to toast in each chapter.
* Include at least one ramen meal, and or, discussion of a ramen recipe in each chapter.
* Have at least one character sneeze in every chapter.
* Have a character who loses an umbrella in every chapter. (This is Smooth Huston and will only be in the chapters he is in 7-30.)
* Have a character's hair color change each chapter. (That will be Chlamydia Access and only in the chapters she is in the story 7-30)
* At every major even that takes place in public, have someone off to the side selling hot dogs. (Someone else expanded on that dare with: The seller's last name is always Dibbler. And he is selling hot dogs cause none of his other moneymaking ideas have gone through… I'll count use that last bit as a bonus point) (BONUS POINTS 1)
* Make frequent references to the number 42 (I'll try to do this once a chapter.)
* Include at least one clam in most scenes. (Again I'll try to do this once a chapter)
* Mention a helicopter passing overhead at odd moments. Bonus points if they all duck. (BONUS POINTS 1)
* All fans in your story must be lime green.
* All clocks in your story must be set to 5:01 (am or pm) and when a character looks at them or asks what time it is. VCR clock are blinking 12:00.
* Refer to all "soft scifi" technology as being "Matek brand"
* Have flowers and gifts delivered constantly to the MC with a card attached that says "You know who I am. I'll be coming soon…" But the MC has no clue who this person is.
* Include a very harried seamstress, to appear at least three times.
* Have a character that always keeps a pencil behind her ear. Mention the pencil at least 10 times and then have the character ask someone to use their pencil when they need to write something down. (Chlamydia Access)
* Pick a number over 9 and have it appear at least that many times in your story. Bonus Points is if appears more than that. (I choose 13 and since Shirley the mechanic is a triskaidekaphiliac I'm sure I will have it more than 13 times) (BONUS POINTS 1)
* Have some random unusual object appear in at least 5 scenes for no reason whatsoever. (A cat that could be pulled by a team of miniature pot-bellied pigs. See dare below)
* Chris Baty's 2004 Wishlist Dare – include the following items: A hovercraft, A cart that could be pulled by a team of miniature pot-bellied pigs, a talking alarm clock, a sandwich.
* Pick one of the word-association threads and pick a random page. Use all those words in your story. Bonus if you use them in the space of a chapter. Double bonus if you use ten pages or more in your story. (BONUS POINTS 2)
* Include the all daily words for November from wordsmith.com in our story.
* Include the all daily words for November from dictonary.com in our story.

TOTAL FOR TODAY: 32 dares and 8 bonus points